MY DECISION

Choosing a college, being with Damien, buying my house, choosing to have a baby, purchasing a car, moving to Hillsboro, accepting job offers- those were all easy decisions that were made with little hesitation or stress. Choosing to work and put Sula in daycare or be a full-time mama and quit my job was the most difficult decision I have ever made. I really enjoy my job and the opportunity I have to be so involved with the community and work on programs that truly make a difference. I have grown so much for my experiences and am now a confident, skilled, professional woman. However, what I have to give up to be at work just doesn't seem right. I know that not everyone has a choice or a desire to raise a baby and I have nothing against daycare but for me it is not a good fit. For me it doesn't feel right to create this little miracle and then pass her off to someone else to "raise" while I'm gone at work. I tried returning to work and stuck it out for 6 weeks. All the while Sula was being cared for by my sister Lindsey for the first 4 weeks, Damien the 5th week, and my good friend Courtney the 6th week. It was a constant struggle for me to pass her off each morning. I felt as though I was tag teaming being a mom and was relying on the "other mom" to take my place and care for Sula the way I would. So ridiculous, I mean it's not like Sula can take care of her self. Someone has to be there for her to take care of her, feed her, watch her, teach her, etc. Why shouldn't that be me? I feel that for so many staying home is viewed as the lesser of the two, somehow 2nd rate. When it is the opposite. It is the most honorable, noble thing to do. I feel as much as I enjoy my job I love Sula more than my heart and mind can even process. Sula is my everything and will always be. Jobs come and go, friends and houses and money and stuff comes and goes however the one thing that is and will always be is family. I want Sula and I to develop a strong and everlasting bond like the one I have with my own mama. No matter what happens in my life I know that I can always count on my own mama to be there and to support me. She is my best friend (aside from Damien) and I appreciate everything she is and everything she did and still does for me. If I could have that kind of relationship with Sula I would be the happiest version of myself I imagine. Everyone asks me what will make me happy. After months of going over all senarios, and many many tears shed and ache of the stress in my heart I have decided that the only thing that will make me truly happy is to be able to be fully devoted to my little girl Sula Rain. I am proud to say that I am now a full-time mama!